Dear Tom:

Saw you on the cover of Vanity Fair. The big 4-0 is coming up quicker than a Vin Diesel movie, huh? Been there, done that. You posing without your shirt kinda reminded me of the pic I send out of me in my Speedo that I send out as AOL bait. Not that I look like a movie star or anything but the impulse behind our exhibitionism isn't all that different. I'm still attractive damn it! And it's true, but now you're entering new territory with all those humpy youngsters nipping at your heels. Jared Leto, Shane West, Josh Hartnett and Jason Van Der Beek . . . no member of the tattooed and pierced generation has had his Risky Business yet, but just you wait, one day soon one of them is bound to have his booty-shakin' breakthrough and then you're toast! Too bad your agent didn't get you a role in Ocean's 11 but hey everybody knows Brad Pitt is way cooler than you are, dude! Remember the scene when George Clooney rags him for teaching five card stud to "Teen Beat cover boys?" That kind of self awareness would have served you a whole lot better than Vanilla Sky. I mean, what was that all about, really? If you wanted to hook up with Penelope that bad couldn't you just have had one of your people call one of her people to invite her to that private screening room of yours? Did you think just because she can't speak the Queen's English so well she won't find out you're a . . . I'm sorry, Tom. Her accent just gets on my nerves outside of an Almodovar romp with subtitles. She's probably a perfectly nice beard. But I digress. I'm writing to you today to share a secret that applies to all 40somethings equally, whether they be movie stars or moviegoers: context is everything. From now on, there's always going to be somebody younger and cuter. It can destroy you. Or not. Aging gracefully is almost as hard as becoming a movie star when you're gay but you've already risen to that particular challenge, haven't you? And you don't need Scientology to do it. Pulling a Greta Garbo is always the safest option, of course, but if you can't face early retirement just use a little common sense: move into the "daddy" phase of your career. You proved you could act in Magnolia so try skipping the romantic leads and choose roles that showcase your talent. You might want to wait a little while before getting married again, too. Even come out. You might not land on the cover of Time like Ellen did but you would make Hollywood history. Plus it would silence all of those look-alike adult film stars who want to sell their stories to the tabloids once they've pinned you and you've found someone hotter to wrestle. I'll bet you'd even win an Oscar not long after becoming the first movie star to say "I'm gay" without being forced to. But wait a month or two. It's really all about Nic right now, isn't it?